Foreplay: More Than Just the “Seven, Seven, SEVEN!”
As a pelvic floor therapist, I see women every day—from their 20s through their 60s—who share intimacy struggles that often go unspoken: pain with sex, difficulty reaching orgasm, low desire, detachment from sexuality after years of disconnection with their partner or fears of new intimate relationships.
We hear so much about what helps women feel “turned on” or “revved up” in sexual health advice. But just as important—maybe even more important—are the things that press the brakes on desire. Dr. Emily Nagoski, in her book Come As You Are, describes women’s arousal with the “gas and brake” metaphor: the gas pedal represents all the things that spark desire, while the brakes are the things that shut it down.
And let’s be honest—those brakes are everywhere. The mental to-do list for tomorrow. The smell of dinner still lingering in the house. The washing machine running. The partner who forgot to take out the trash. Lights that are too bright. Cold feet. And especially a history of pain with sex.
Here’s what’s tricky: your brain remembers those painful experiences. It stores them as a way of protecting you from getting hurt again, which means it can send louder pain signals the next time you try. Over time, desire can feel like a far-off goal that some women fear they’ll never reach again.
So, where does foreplay fit in?
Foreplay isn’t just clitoral stimulation or the famous Monica scene from Friends (“Seven, Seven, SEVEN!”). Real foreplay often begins hours—or even days—before intimacy. Someone once told me: men are like microwaves, women are like ovens. We need more time, warmth, and layered input to truly feel ready.
That might look like:
A partner sending appreciative, complimentary, or flirty texts during the day.
Sharing the load—helping with dinner, putting the kids to bed, tackling that half-done home project.
Giving your sensory system those “feel good” inputs - cozy socks for warm feet, clean sheets that smell crisp, dim lighting, or simply 5 minutes of your partner laying on top of you for some deep pressure during a steamy make out before pressing on the gas.
And sometimes, foreplay also includes using exercises and strategies learned in pelvic floor therapy—using tools learned in treatment sessions with a pelvic floor therapist, like myself, to signal safety to the body. That might be stimulating the vagus nerve, relaxing the jaw, belly, or pelvic floor, and learning how to calm the nervous system so the body and mind know: “I’m safe. I’m in control.”
And that’s all before we even get to clitoral stimulation (a must for most women) or the hormonal shifts that can change desire across the lifespan.
Because at the end of the day, foreplay isn’t just what happens before sex—it’s everything that takes the foot off the brake so desire actually has a chance to spark. And when all the pieces line up? That’s when the oven really heats up.
Dr. Logan Shuttleworth, OTD, OTR/L, PCES
